Am I Dauntless enough for you?
by itsemz
Summary: Ellie is sixteen years old and the choosing ceremony is just around the corner. She is scared. She doesn't seem to fit in in the faction she is born into but will she be able to fit in in another faction? Dare she take the risk? And then there's the boy she doesn't want to lose, but how can she keep him if they live in different factions?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1:**

It's dark in my room when I wake up. At first I'm disoriented and have no idea where I am, but then the sound from my alarm clock gets to me and I fumble for the clock on my nightstand. My hand closes around the little cool metal clock and I turn it off automatically. I've done it so many times that it has now become a reflex. I leave the alarm clock on the nightstand and rub my eyes with clenched hands. I'm never going to like mornings. My eyes are sticky and hard for me to open and even though the alarm clock says the time is 6.30 am I definitely feel like I just went to bed. I push the duvet aside and push myself up in a sitting position before I let my feet touch the wooden floor beneath me. I do it slowly because I know that if I do it too fast I'll get dizzy and black spots will appear before my eyes. The wooden floor is cool underneath my bare feet and makes me shiver while I walk to my dresser. I already know what I'm going to wear; a pair of black jeans and a white shirt. As usual. When I'm dressed I look in the mirror which hangs on the wall above the dresser. It's square with a black frame. I lock my eyes to my reflections eyes and stare at myself. My eyes are the shape of almonds and have a clear grey color. My eyelashes are dark brown but they are not long nor very short. Just average length. I'm small; only 5'3" and skinny. I have several freckles spread across my nose and cheeks and full pale lips. My skin is pale, a milky color, and my hair is dark brown and shoulder length. I look ordinary.. plain. I let my hair hang loose and smear lip balm on my lips before leaving my room. My younger brother, Jeremy, and parents are already in the kitchen. My dad is hiding behind a newspaper, my mom is serving pancakes for breakfast and my brother is lying on the kitchen floor playing with our dog, Noodle.

"Morning," I say in a tired voice as I find my usual chair around the table. My dad looks up from the newspaper and smiles at me.

"Morning sweetheart. How are you?" He asks cheerfully.

"Fine," I reply and scoop a couple of pancakes onto my plate. My mom joins us at the table and squeezes my hand for a second before releasing it.

"You look tired," She says. She has a very nice calm voice and even though she sounds normal there's a bit of concern in the tone.

"Geez," I say a little annoyed "Thanks."

I accidently overfill my glass with orange juice. It flows over the edge of the glass and orange liquid runs down the sides of the glass and forms a small puddle on the table. I sigh and grab some kitchen towels and start wiping up the juice. I know I'm not supposed to react like that, but I hate when people say stuff like that. That you look tired or sick. They could just as well say you look like crap. I don't know why they don't do that. We are Candor after all. My mom gives me a look.

"You know that's not what I meant,"

She says and grabs a kitchen towel to help me get the last bit of juice off the table. I don't answer her. Instead I lift the glass to my lips and start drinking. I'm not really that thirsty but I empty the glass as an excuse not to answer her. I know that's not what she meant but I don't want to talk about it again.

"Are you still having problems sleeping?" She frowns and gets a line between her eyebrows. I nod without looking at her.

"Yeah." I say and scoop a piece of pancake into my mouth. I love the sweet taste of them. We don't get them often but they remind me of my childhood. I've topped them with vanilla cream and berries which just makes them ten times better. "It's nothing though," I add but my mom doesn't look convinced. I don't blame her. I don't belong in Candor as well as most of the other faction members do. I lie way too easily and my mom knows that. She knows that I'm lying by the way I avoid her eyes with mine. I know she knows but I continue to look at my plate like it's the most interesting thing ever. She lets the subject drop and I am her thankful for that.

When we arrive to the school my brother quickly joins his friends from our faction and they disappear into one of the hallways. I find one of my friends, a fellow faction student with dull blonde hair and big blue eyes, sitting on a bench in the early morning sun.

"Ida," I greet her and she smiles at me.

"Good morning Ellie," She replies and moves her bag from the bench so I can sit next to her.

She is wearing the same as me; black jeans and a white shirt. She is taller than I am, about two inches, and she is beautiful with her small straight nose, long light eyelashes and her cheeks that is normally flushed which makes her look awake and fresh. Her hair is longer than mine and today she wears it in a high ponytail. We sit in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the sun, before she lifts her arm and point at the train as it comes closer to the school.

"There comes your boyfriend," She says with a laugh and I shove her hard in the shoulder.

"He is _not_ my boyfriend," I say but she looks at me like she doesn't believe a word I'm saying.

But I'm not lying. He is not my boyfriend. We stare at the Dauntless students as they throw themselves out of the moving train and land smoothly on the ground again. They shout and laugh and one of them catch my eyes as they run toward the building we call our school. He is tall and lean and has warm brown eyes and bronze skin. I can't see the color of his eyes from where I'm sitting, but I've been looking into them many times before so I know what they look like. His hair is medium length and dark brown like mine and he has a piercing, a ring, in one side of his lower lip. He also has a tattoo on his shoulder which is mostly covered by his black t-shirt; the Dauntless symbol. We lock eyes for a short moment as they come closer and he smiles at me before looking away and starting a conversation with one of the other Dauntless born students. He is the reason I'm lying to my parents and the reason I have trouble sleeping at night.  
Beside me Ida snorts and I look at her.

"What?" I ask demanding and she laughs at me. She points at my chin and asks: "Is that drool?" I shove her again.

"You're really annoying," I say and get up from the bench as the bell sounds. She smirks.

"And you're really obvious." She says as she follows me into the building.

Our first lesson is Faction History and I'm sitting next to Ida in a big classroom filled with other 16 year olds from every faction. Some are wearing blue for Erudite, some are dressed in all black for Dauntless, some are grey for Abnegation, some wear yellow and red for Amity and last but not least; some are dressed in black and white for Candor. We, the Candor, don't get alone with Amity and Abnegation that well but we can befriend Dauntless as honesty and bravery can tie closely together and we don't have a problem with Erudite either.

Our teacher is from Erudite but that doesn't surprise anyone. All of the teachers come from that faction as they value knowledge. Today we learn more about why the factions were made a long time ago and we read small parts of the manifestoes which are written down in our textbooks. I like to believe that I do okay in school. I'm not stupid but of course I'm not as clever as the Erudite born students. Almost no one is. I think some of them are crazy.. they are literally reading _everything_. Why would they want to know how to tear a car apart just to put it back together for example? I like to read too, but not boring stuff like that.

In the canteen the factions keeps to themselves. I sit among other Candor students, both genders represented. We are not the only candor table though, but I sit with my friends. Ida sits opposite me at the round table. We are all engaging in a conversation and the boys are getting louder by the minute. It's not a very serious conversation though and some of us are laughing when one proves the other wrong. I block their voices out and let my eyes wonder around in the cafeteria. Abnegation students sit side by side in almost silence only having quiet polite conversations. Amity girls are laughing at a story one of them are telling. Erudite students chatter at another table and the Danutless have placed themselves at tables close to each other. They are loud and some of them are sitting on the table with their feet resting on the chairs instead of sitting properly. Once again my eyes find him between all the black dressed students but this time he doesn't look at me. He is laughing hard and covers his mouth with his hand. I automatically smile. He looks so free and happy and why shouldn't he be? Just looking at him makes my mood rise.  
"Earth to El," a Candor girl at my table says in a sing song voice. Her name is Skylar. I don't know if she has been talking to me while I wasn't listening, but she must have since she said that.

"Huh?" I turn my head to look at her and scowl when I see the crooked smile on her lips. The boys have left our table and stand a few tables away talking to some of the other Candor borns by another table.

"It's not polite to stare." She says, grinning.

Two of the other girls laugh and I shake my head. I don't know why they still do this; make corny jokes and smirk every time they get the chance. It's not like our relationship is new as we have been friends for quite a lot of years. But they don't know that of course. They still think it's funny to pair me up with him though. Maybe it's because he's Dauntless. Maybe it's because it's something that is very unlikely to happen.

"Oh, stop it." I just say but I can't help but laughing.

"I don't blame you though." She says and rests her cheek on her hand. Her elbow is placed on the table top to support her head. "He _is_ handsome."

We all turn to look at him. She is right. He is handsome and has always been. That's why he has that bit of arrogance in his smile; He knows he looks good. I'm the first to look away and when I see the other girls are still staring, I snap my fingers at them.

"Stop staring, will you?" I ask impatiently and they turn their gaze to me instead. Skylar smiles sneakily at me.

"Why don't you just go and talk to him?" She asks. Her skin is pale and she has redish blonde curly hair but no freckles like most readheads. I glare at her.

"Now? While he is sitting among his friends? Are you crazy? I don't want to embarrass myself in front of the whole school." I say shaking my head.

If I go to a table full of Dauntless born students – who might not even know that we're friends – to talk to him they will definitely think I'm into him. And maybe I am – just a little bit – but they don't have to know that and neither does he. That will just ruin our friendship and I don't want that to happen. And I don't what the comments from his friends – or my friends for that sake - either.  
The girls laugh.

"Chicken." Ida says and sticks her tongue out at me. I just look at her in annoyance.

"You should do something about it before choosing day," Says Ashley who is sitting on my left. "Or maybe you shouldn't…" She says after thinking it over.  
"Yeah, you should actually forget about him." Skylar then says. She looks thoughtful. "I mean, it's kind of sad to be in love with someone who you are never going to see again. I slap her arm.

"I'm not in love with him." I hiss and the girls give me knowing looks as to say they don't believe me.

But she is right, not about the love thing but about forgetting him. Choosing day is coming closer and soon we will become initiates and later members of different factions and maybe I'll never see him again. The thought makes me sad so I push it away. That's what keeps me awake at night; he thought of never seeing him again. Now I sound like a foolish teenager in love but it is not like that. We have been friends since we were small and thinking about never talking to him again fills me with an empty feeling. A feeling I definitely don't like or appreciate. But soon it's going to be reality. He is the perfect Dauntless and there's no doubt; he will choose Dauntless on choosing day. Maybe I'm not the perfect Candor but it's certainly here I fit in best. I might be able to lie, but it's only small lies with thing that doesn't really matter. I would never survive in Dauntless! I don't know much about their initiation but I do know that the biggest population of the factionless comes from Dauntless and I certainly don't want to be factionless. No one wants that. Better be dead than factionless actually.

When school is over I meet my brother in front of the building. The place is crawling with people but we quickly find each other.

"How was your day?" I ask him not really eager to have this conversation with him as I have somewhere else to be.

"Oh it was so cool! Laura has got a new pet hamster and she brought it with her to school in her lunch box!" He sounds overexcited and I laugh a little.

"Is that even allowed?" I ask and follow him to the bus stop. He shrugs.

"I don't know but.." He starts telling me about the hamster but I don't really listen. I 'mh' and 'oh' occasionally and he seems satisfied with that. When we reach the bus stop, which is crowded with other Candor students, I cut him off.

"Can you take the bus home by yourself?" I ask, sending him a pleading smile. He looks at me and a hurt look replaces the happy one in his eyes.

"Again?" His voice sounds annoyed and all the joy from before is gone.

"Yeah.." I say hesitant, clutching my hands. "Is that okay?"

I know the answer even before he says it. He shakes he head.

"No, not really." He says. "You know you're not supposed to leave me here and I hate going home alone. It's boring and I feel safer with you!"

Sometimes I wish we weren't Candor. It would have been so much easier if he just nodded and replied me with a 'yeah' or 'I guess' but of course he has to say something that makes me feel bad. I sigh.

"I know, Jer. But I-" I hesitate for a moment. I don't know what to say. I don't really want to leave him and I know I'm not supposed to let him ride the bus alone but I've done if awfully lot the last couple of weeks.

"Please Jer," I continue. "I promise this is the last time." I say and kneel down to be on his eye level.

"You also said that last time." He crosses his arms over his chest.

"I know but-" Before I can finish my sentence he interrupts me.

"You are the worst Candor I know! Why do you keep lying to me? I hate you." He hisses before abruptly turning around and stomping into the bus.

I feel startled. What he said actually hurts. I know I'm not cut out to this 'role' as a Candor but I don't fit in anywhere else either. At least I don't think so. I can't believe my brother said what he did. That he hates me. That I'm the worst Candor he knows. I'm not proud of being a better liar than everyone else and I wish I was as honest as my parents. They always tell the truth and I think that's brave. I'm not that brave!

I get op on my feet instead again and watch as the bus disappears and first after a few minutes I remember why I didn't follow my brother home. I turn around to go back to the school building but he already stands a few meters behind me, smiling. A smile spreads across my lips as I see him and I completely forget the incident with my brother. He lets a hand run through his hair before breaking the silence.

"Hey Ellie." He says biting his lip where his piercing is. My smile grows wider.

"Hi Zeke."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

"So this is x?" Zeke asks with a frown. His eyes are on the equation on his paper and his finger just below the number he is referring to. I shake my head.

"No, if you look at this-" I point at another number on his paper with one finger. "-you'll see that.."

I trail off when he irritated throws his pencil away and it lands a few meters away. I look at him and he groans.

"Stupid math!" He sighs and get up from the grass where we are sitting.

We are sitting in the middle of the school lawn on a blanket with textbooks spread around us. I've helped Zeke with math for several years now as he doesn't seems to get it. I don't know why he didn't ask one of the Erudite students to help him as they probably know a lot more about it than I do and are better at explaining it, but he didn't. He asked me. We meet up on the school ground because we are not really supposed to go to each other's factions. That will make our leaders and other faction members see us as traitors, so this is the only place where we are able to meet. I don't mind helping him because I enjoy spending time with him, but I don't really see where he is coming from because I find math pretty easy. But people are different. We are different. Very different. I follow him with my eyes. He seems frustrated.

"Are we done for today?" I ask, a smile in my voice. When it gets to this point I know he doesn't bother trying anymore.

He doesn't answer but go to where his pencil is hiding in the grass and picks it up. He turns it between his fingers and first then he looks at me.

"I'm done for the rest of my life with that shit," he says and throws himself on the blanket next to me and turns so he is lying on his back facing the sky. I look down at him and frown.

"Wow, that's dramatic." I say and my frown turns into a smile. "Come on, Zeke. It's not that bad." He shakes his head in disagreement.

"Yeah," He says. "It is." He looks at me now instead of looking at the blue sky. He has a serious look to his eyes. "You just don't think so because you are such a nerd. Maybe you belong in Erudite?" A cheeky smile appears on his lips and replaces the serious one.

I gasp. "I do _not_!" I insist.

Maybe I'm not stupid but I definitely don't crave knowledge like the Erudite do. It surprises me that he still jokes about it. Up until now I have been able to joke about it too – about which faction we belong in – but now I can't anymore. The aptitude test and the choosing ceremony are just too close and I'm scared of what the test will tell me. He notices my uneasy expression and furrows his brows.

"What is it?" He asks but I just shake my head. I like to be honest – it's just much easier most of the times– but there are just some things I like to keep to myself.

"Nothing," I say lightly and try to sound casual.

I smile at him and he narrows his eyes at me before shrugging and turning his gaze to the sky. He always believes my lies because I'm Candor and therefore I'm supposed to tell the truth all the time. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing but I can't help feeling a little disappointed that he can't see I'm lying. Or maybe he did notice, but doesn't want to say anything? I always know when he lies because I know him that well. But is it actually because I know him well or is it because I'm Candor? I'm not sure. In my faction we learn how to read peoples body language so we know when they are lying to us. It is small things that give people away when they lie. For example looking away, playing with their hair, biting their lip, scratching their neck. I should try to be honest all the time but I don't want to. It's not because I'm afraid to hurt other people feelings.. because I'm not, I just like my privacy.

"But seriously," He breaks the silence. "Why are they teaching us this?" He makes a gesture to the paper which now lies between us on the blanket. When I don't reply he continues.

"It's not like I'm ever going to need it, you know." I nod.

I do know. Danutless guard and protect our city – both from threats from the inside but also for what lies beyond – and I doubt he is ever going to think about this kind of math again. I see why we learn the basics but this is just a waste of time for most of us.

"You're probably right." I say twirling a bit of my hair between my fingers. It's soft and shiny and smells like hair conditioner.

He sighs again. "It's stupid."

I let go of my hair and lie down next to him. I'm on my back and facing the sky like he is.

"It _is_ stupid." I just say.

We lie like that for a while. I can't help noticing that our elbows touch each other and I feel a prickling in my skin where his skin touches mine. I feel foolish for feeling that way because I know it means nothing to him. To him I'm just a friend from another faction and soon I will be an old friend from Candor. Someone he used to know but doesn't anymore. Someone he will barely recognize in a couple of years. My eyes get glassy and I close them to hide it from him. Some parts of me tell me that I should tell him how I feel. Maybe not the 'I might have feelings for you'-part but that I'm afraid of what's going to happen and that I'm afraid I'll lose him.. as a friend. But before I have the time to decide what to say and if I want to say anything, he speaks.

"What time is it?" He turns his head to look at me, and I copy him and do the same.

His face is so close to mine. Only a few inches away. He is so close that I can see that the small circle of lighter brown almost golden color in his eyes near his pupil and I stare at him for a moment before remembering that he asked me a question.

"Um," I mumble and look away when my cheeks heat up. I lift my left arm, where my wrist watch is, to check the time. "It's 4.50." I tell him and look at him again when I let my hand fall.

"Right." He tear his gaze away from me and pushes himself up. I follow his movements with my eyes. "I better get going." He says.

I once again copy him and sit up next to him. I nod.

"Yeah," I say. "Me too." Lie. I don't really have to go, but I don't want to stay here by myself.

He starts stuffing his books down his backpack and when his done he lies his hand on my knee. It's just a friendly touch but my heart begins to race anyway. Stupid, I think to myself. When we were younger we shared that kind of touch often and we actually still do. I just feel different about it know. It's not that I want to feel differently but I can't help it. I know it's much easier just to see him as a friend and nothing more, but I just can't. I look at him and he returns the gaze.

"See you tomorrow?" He asks, removes his hand from my knee and gets up from the ground. Once he stands he stretches his hand to me to help me get up and I take it, pulling myself up with his help. When I'm on my feet he lets go of my hands and swings his bag over one shoulder. I smile at him.

"See you tomorrow." I say and a smile curls his lips.

He nods as to say goodbye and then turns around and start running to get to the train which I can faintly hear now. I kneel down and gather my books before carefully stuffing them into my own bag. I grab the blanket from the ground and force it into my backpack as well even though I have trouble zipping it. Before I head to the bus stop I watch him. He is quite far away now and I watch him sprint next to the train before grapping the handle and pulling himself into one of the cars. It looks so easy when he does it but I bet it isn't. Not for me anyway. When inside he lifts one hand and waves at me and I return the gesture. We always do that.

I pick my backpack up from the ground and head toward the bus stop. Unsurprisingly I'm the only one there and when the bus comes, the driver – a factionless man – grins at me. I ignore him and take the seat in the very end of the bus placing my bag on the seat next to me. I'm not exactly scared of the factionless but for some reason I'm always on edge when I'm close to them. They are always wearing many different items of clothing which often symbolizes more than just one faction. I guess they just take what they can get. My mom says they remind of what people used to call 'homeless' because they don't have a real home. But they're not just homeless. They don't have a faction either and that's much worse. To live cut off from community. To live a life where you don't really have a purpose.

The bus ride takes about 15 minutes and I spend the time with my forehead against the cool glass. I can't help smiling. I'm always in a good mood when I've been around Zeke. There's just something about him that makes me light and happy even though he does nothing.

When I reach home, my brother is in front yard playing football with one of our neighbors; a boy his age. I've never understood why boys find that game so interesting. What's fun about kicking a ball around for hours? Clearly they find it amusing because they are doing it almost every day. I greet them when I pass them but they are too focused on the ball to greet me back. The front door is open and I kick off my shoes before entering the kitchen. The kitchen is bright because of the sunshine that shines through our windows. We don't have a lot of colors in our home. Mostly white and black and a few others. My mom is sitting by the table with a stack of papers in front of her. Work. She is working in the Merciless Mart, Candors Headquarter, as a lawyer. Most Candors work with law or politics because we are trustworthy and would rather say the truth even though it's tactless than lie.

"Hi mom," I say and leave my backpack against one of the walls. She lifts her head and smiles at me.

"Hi Ellie." She pushed the papers away from her and gestures for me to sit across from her at the table. I don't sit down but let my hands rest on the back rest of the chair.

"Did you have a good day?"

"It was fine. School is school." I say and drum with my fingers on the back rest.

"Good," She says and shifts on the chair. "Where have you been?" She asks. She doesn't sound judging, just curious. Since I'm now 16 I'm allowed to go somewhere after school without having to ask them first but they would still like to know where I've been and I understand that.

"Just out." I say a grab an apple from a bowl of fruit on the middle of our dining table. I bite into it and the sour taste makes me grimace. My mom smiles at me. I hope she'll be satisfied with that as an answer but I know my mom so it doesn't surprise me when she asks again.

"With Ida?" She asks as my father comes into the kitchen.

"No," I say and smile at my dad as a 'hi' which he returns. "With Zeke."

My mom presses her lips together and I know what that means. She is not fond of the idea of me hanging out with Zeke. Not because he's a bad kid but because he is Dauntless. She's afraid he'll make me choose Dauntless at the choosing ceremony instead of Candor. But I won't. How can I possible choose Dauntless when just seeing them jump on that train makes me want to throw up. I'm not dauntless.

"I know you don't like him." I say before she can answer even though she has no reason to dislike him. She doesn't even know him.

"You're right." She says. "I don't. I don't appreciate you spending time with someone who can manipulate you into choosing a different faction. You belong here, Elizabeth. You know that." She still sounds calm, but the use of my name suggests that she isn't.

I scowl at her, when she uses my full name. She only does that when she is fed up with me. I hate my real name. I hate it. It's so old fashioned and I just don't even look like an Elizabeth. Therefore I always introduce myself as Ellie. I know she's not really angry with me. She's just afraid of losing me and I remind myself that so I won't get angry.

"Zeke would never manipulate me," I say calmly and shake my head. "I know I belong here, mom." I walk to her side of the table and placed a hand on her shoulder. She looks up at me with a faint smile on her lips. I kiss her on the top of her head and smile at reassuringly at her.

"Good," She says and my father joins the conversation from where he stands at the stove.

"Honey, don't worry." My father says. "Ellie would never betray us, would you El?"

I shake my head with a 'No. Of course not.' But once I've said it, my stomach drops and I feel sick. I leave the kitchen before they sense my new mood and close the door to my room behind me for privacy. I really have no intention to leave my faction and family so I don't know why I feel so guilty assuring them that I won't. My mom is right. It's in Candor I belong. _But you do have trouble telling the truth all the time_, a voice in my head says. I try to ignore it, but the voice is right; I'm not as good as being honest as my friends and family are. Of course I say what comes to my mind and I can be tactless like every other Candor because that's the way I was raised but I have things I'd like to keep for myself. In the final test in the Candor initiation all the initiates have to sit in front of everyone while under the influence of the truth serum. The point is that if everyone already knows all about you, you would have no reason what so ever to ever lie again. I have always known that's what awaits me but now it suddenly feels terrifying. I don't want to spill all my secrets to everyone. I don't care that people will look at me differently because I actually couldn't be bothered about that, but I don't want them to know my deepest secrets. Not that I have many but they are mine and it should be up to me to decide if I want to tell anybody.

I'm desperate to think of something else, so I find my sketchbook from one of the drawers in my desk. It's filled with small drawings from my imagination but also sketches of my family - which I've drawn while sitting in the living room at night watching them or so – or trees from our garden. I love to draw because it makes me relax. In Candor we don't value art as much as they do in Amity but it's not forbidden to do it like it is in abnegation. I draw for myself so of course Abnegation wouldn't allow it. I would never belong in Abnegation. I'm way too selfish.

Note from the author:

Hey guys. So this was chapter 2. Thank you for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave some comments so I know what you guys think about it, thank you xx


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